**** TRIGGER WARNING:  suicide and other mental health challenges shared here could be triggering ******

What goes up, must come down or must it…

Many of you may have read my ‘rubbish road to recovery‘ blog. A story of alcoholism, drug addiction and depression. My journey to sobriety by means of community work and a fixation on the environment. The rise of the new me, a sober me, a more focussed version of my former self. It ended with me at the top of my game…

After nearly two years of the above work, investing mind space, time and finances to various causes, it would appear to the outside world that I had reached a state of equilibrium. This was far from the truth… the actions that provided me with self-worth turned to burdens, the support for the causes diminished as individuals returned to a form of normality. I felt my successes turned to failure, my passions turned to resentment, the new version of myself spiralling downwards to where the previous had started. I needed a reliable form of self-relief. My crutch became marijuana and like any crutch for an addict, the need became more and more, with my intake increasing dramatically. Short bursts a falsified happiness would take control allowing me to continue the work I had started and all the while the pressure and self-loathing began to peak. Suicidal thoughts once again, filled my head although this time it was darker, more consistent and with due consideration to the exact steps I would take to execute this action. My crutch and self-relief became inefficient and there seemed no way out. What came up was dropping down and at a considerable rate…

With a previous success in sobriety and the fulfilment of happiness, I knew that I couldn’t continue to go backwards. I knew the path ahead of me was long, tough, but the destination was worth it. I reached out once again knowing the combination of addiction and mental health would act as a barrier in seeking help. One would have to be overcome before the other was manageable. It is at this point I stopped my community work, taking a step back from ventures I had started or had become involved in to focus on myself.

With a mindset of pure determination, I stopped the marijuana alone, cold turkey and completely unaware of the effects this would physically have. The next few weeks became a concoction of hot/cold sweats, migraines, sickness, loss of appetite and the inability to sleep. I persisted through these symptoms knowing the end result would far outweigh the temporary suffering.

As the physical effects weakened, it was time to focus on managing my mental health. I was once again back under the mental health team but this time with a determination to gain a long-term solution. Once again, I was offered stabilising medication that many times before, I had rejected. Within a short time, the inner pain subsided along with the suicidal thoughts and the balance I had been searching for soon became apparent. it was time to move on…

Never before had my mind been so clear. Many pains acted as lessons enabling self-guidance to who I wanted to be. Knowing the joy I had previously got from many of my causes combined with the support circle that surrounded these, I slowly started to get back out there, achieving smaller but more manageable steps within the community and environment projects I once was associated with. Whilst I do not have the satisfactory highs from these I once had, I knew that it would fill my time and head space enough to keep the balance.

I now find myself content, balancing projects with boundaries and limitations that I stick to, like a new addiction, to ensure this level of balance. I have a clear mindset with achievable goals and I once again feel the happiness I once felt.

The saying “what goes up must come down” is very apparent in this situation but it is one’s own decision to come back up that defines a true character. Knowing when to say enough is enough and taking action, no matter how hard, has given me the rise to a height that is reasonable to stick at, without the extremes. Reaching out for help was the key, be it for advice or physical intervention. Anyone relating to this need only follow the above actions to find the better version of themselves that is hidden deep within. We all have a fresh start at being us, no matter how old or low you are, no matter how hard the route is and no matter what negativity surrounds your past, a new you is there and it’s waiting for that change. Change brings new opportunities and the opportunities are endless. The journey continues…